Friday, September 17, 2010

Life is harder - when you don't talk to your Mommy because of Someone else

"Everything is everything" .. New slogan for the moment while I try to collect myself in this time of what to do with my life.  I'm 25 and still trying to take this journey of life by the horns.  I think i've done pretty good for someone my age.  I have a decent, no kids, and just making my way back to school to complete my ADN.  Well my LPN first then hopefully ( fingers-crossed ) I can get into the transition program to go straight to the ADN.  Well, if not i'll wait patiently or go to another school out in good ole South Carolina. 

Troubling to say that I am slowly grasping this concept that this will be my home for the next two to three years.  :(  It is not the best feeling when things aren't so good on the home front.  I will say this though.  I've been through a lot since i've return to SC and pretty much be able to pull myself out of about 10% of it.  I had the help of my ex-fiance which was great but none i'm starting to realize that I don't need to have a safety net because I lost my independence because I knew he was there.  My prior thoughts of my independence has become more of a shaded screen on a old southern porch. 

I was recently described as being like a pop tart - Hard on the outside but soft in the inside.  Well hell - I could have told him that but at least he recognized it and I didn't have to tell him.  I am the "B" type that thinks about what could be in the future and this and that.  I would consider more of what would make others happy than what would make me happy.  I would consider first others feelings and just try to bend my feelings to try and just deal with it. 

So, as of right now - " Everything is Everything ".  I don't think I would change any of my decisions that I made so far.  I think maybe if anything I would have made a couple of decisions a little sooner so we all could be happy.  I'm drowning but staying positive is what makes it work.  I can barely see the light from the bottom but its okay.  Concrete has to give away sometime. 

I will put it out to the world to see - that mistakes happen and just learn from them.  Never give up so much at once.  Everything is 50/50.  If there is a certain life that you want to live or certain family life you want to maintain - don't settle or try to change yourself because the other person can't bring it.  Always maintain a certain distance between your romantic relationships and your family.  I went from talking to my mother everyday to not talking to her at all because I allowed her to be submerged into my relationship with my ex and myself.  My mother is the type of person that she feels bad for other people especially if they had it rough and she tries to be nice to everyone but she is the type that doesn't know when to say... That has nothing to do with me so let me stay out of it.  I still talk to my sister every once in a while but I miss talking to my mother.  Even though she was Wrong and should have questioned me and LISTENED to what I was telling her prior - she decided to go the other route.  Its okay though - maybe she did what she did for a reason.  Now I'm like him - no connection with my parent.  But " Everything is Everything".  There's nothing like going through your own personal hurricane with a tornado up-roaring when its not necessary.

Once we do start talking again - I will keep her at a distance with my relationship because I know my boundaries with her and my step-fathers relationship but she doesn't know her boundaries when it comes to staying out of mine.  So, hopefully one day - i'll blog to the world how i'm back talking to my mother and its all good again.  For right now - I have to focus on deciding to move or stay where I am ( to have a fresh new start), school, bills ^_^ ( I did a happy face to show how happy I am with those, lol ), and what I want to eat tomorrow Noodles or cereal.  Life as a single, college student, with bills up the ying yang.  Is not easy... Sounds like I need to start a survival one-on-one blog for the debt, single, college student.. lol 

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